'Mums on Top' Interviews Anne about 'Sons to Men'
Hi Anne, and thanks for joining us at Mums on Top! You've got a new book coming out, can you tell us about it?
Yes, - it is based on my own experiences as a mother of teenage boys and stories of women who have attended the courses I facilitate. It is about how to manage yourself as a woman - emotionally and energetically whilst you are being challenged by the 'antics' of your teenage son as he navigates his way to manhood. The book is not so much about 'how to' raise teenage boys it is about how to strengthen yourself to enable you to stand strong in the role of mother to a son. It's about empowering you to trust that you are the right woman in the right place. That it is possible to renew and integrate the gumption required to be there and care for yourself in the disarray that a teenage son can generate in your life.
You have obviously got a lot of passion for mums and their sons. You also run courses about raising boys. Why have you chosen to focus so much on this topic?
I am a mother to four boys. (my sons are now 25, 24, 22, 14yrs – there is a photo of them as teenagers on my website www.mothersraisingboys.co.nz) We mothers can be in danger of being overwhelmed by doubt, anxiety, and guilt. It seems to be generated by living in a society that holds us responsible for our sons risk taking one minute and accuses us of being overly involved in our teenage son's life the next. I learnt how powerfully energizing it was to change myself and manage my reactions and I want to share that with other mothers. The course is four weeks but I am offering a one day option to areas outside of Nelson – if you are interested just get in touch via the website.
What was your inspiration for the book?
The powerful, moving, and positive responses from women attending the Mothers Raising Teenage Boys courses that I have been running for the last three years. Seeing mothers reclaim their authority and sense of fun not by diminishing the challenges of raising a son but discovering that they are no longer overwhelmed by their own emotional reactions to them. A mother's pain is universal, there are no social or economic barriers separating women when it comes to fears for their children. I wanted to talk to as many mothers as possible and a book seemed the best way to do it.
What are some of the changes you would like to see from mums raising their teenage sons?
My greatest desire is to see you as a woman strengthen your self-awareness and emotional stability so that as your son begins and traverses the adolescent quest for manhood you are a positive strong influence who is able to enjoy this epic stage of his development as it unfolds. As he emerges an independent young man you will have maintained a guilt free, strong sense of self and are able to take delight in a healthy mother – son relationship throughout the teenage years and beyond.
You've got four sons - has it gotten easier to raise each son?
Yes, definitely. They are all very different and have been and are challenging in their own individual ways. The key ingredient is that I have changed. I've become so much more aware of my own needs and emotional triggers. Doing so has enabled me to engage my sense of humour more and enjoy my boys for who they are, rather than expecting them to be something or someone else to make me happy.
How do you think raising boys is different than raising girls?
My experience has been that boys are very direct and straight talking when it comes to disputes. They like to sort it and move on, whereas it seems as if girls want more discussion and carry grievances on a lot longer than boys. Despite what some boys body language may project I think boys enjoy being physically affectionate and joking. A teenage boy can become confused when a mother is still angry or upset about something that happened yesterday when they think that has been dealt with. They do not seem to respond well to being asked directly what they think without being given time to actually think about it, whereas girls seem to enjoy the discussion itself. Boys don't scream which is nice, but their physicality can be scary for a mother who is not used to it. I'm jealous of mums who get to do the clothes shopping with their girls, but my boys will join me for a coffee.
What are your top three tips for mums who are raising (or about to!) teenage boys?
1. Stop talking AT him. If you have something important to say to him, get his attention, look in his eyes, (see the young man emerging there) and deliver your message respectfully. He will ignore your questions or give you one syllable answers if you call to him from the other room or talk to the back of his head anyway, so stop pestering him that way. At the same time respect his space - fill the car, the kitchen, the lounge with your silent loving energy.
2. Trust the 11-12 years you have put into influencing his morals, values and sense of justice. Do not think that the first time he does a daft thing or makes a bad choice that he is on a slippery slope to doom. Your influence has been powerfully integrated since birth it does not instantly disappear in a puff of testosterone. (even though it might appear so) Recognise this truth, - he doesn't get out of bed every morning wondering “How can I piss mum off today?” He is trying to grow up as best he can with the conditions, products, gadgets and choices our society present to him.
3. Firm, flexible boundaries that take his increasing need to challenge himself into account are required. Ask yourself every now and again “why do I need him to be different than he is being right now?” Restrain your protective instinct so he can challenge himself in ways that gradually support his developmental need to become independent of you at the same time as you look for ways to support your needs. Get a group of mothers together and I will come and do a workshop with you that will help you see this stage as a fabulous opportunity for your growth as a woman.
And finally - what's your favourite thing to do on a Sunday afternoon?
Spend time with my good man (not necessarily outside in the garden!)